Embracing the dragon

I am angry. I have been for a few years now. For those who see me, you probably don’t see it. Only those truly close to me get to see some of it. Most of it I keep to myself. I don’t want people to see me like that. I also hate how angry I am.

The last couple of months I have really seen just how angry I am. I feel embarrassed at how angry I am. But then I had a reading and was told to embrace the dragon. It was exactly what I needed.

A few years ago, I was in a job that I really loved. But it was a difficult job. It stole sleep, it stole my sense of self and stole my mental health. I told them for months I was struggling yet never allowed me the chance to take time to recover. It led to my breakdown. For months I felt nothing. All I did was eat, drink and sleep. When I finally emerged, I was not the same person. I was nothing. I was a shell. I felt nothing. When I stopped drinking, I started to feel everything again. There was a deep sadness and a well of anger deeper than my sadness, But I ignored it. I just felt the sadness.

But anger can only be held down for so long before it boils over. Then when I watch the news and see what is happening in the world the anger comes flying to the surface and just wants to lash out at everyone. Yet I still try to hold it in. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want the one to lash out, I don’t want to be the one that people are afraid of.

There is fear there as well. The fear of speaking my mind and losing people.

It’s deeper than all that though. The anger has always been there. I put it down to fear. Fear of rejection, abandonment. But its anger. Anger for being abandoned. Anger for being left behind. Anger for being made to be someone I wasn’t. For being forced to play a role. Forced to fit in. I look back and I hated it. I hate the life I lived. It wasn’t mine.

So, part of me is grateful for my breakdown. It forced me to reassess my whole life. To reassess the people, I have in my life and the fact I had no boundaries.

I spent my whole life being a people pleaser, wanting to fit in. Wanting to be liked by people, even being someone I didn’t like at times. I hate it. I hate that I let it happen. I hate that I lost opportunities in my life because of it.

This anger has meant that I get triggered a lot now. The root being the anger that is always there. Then I push it down and think I am okay. I’m not and I haven’t been for years.

I am done. I am tired of the part I have been playing. I am tired of being someone else for other people. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of not standing up for myself. I am tired of no one else standing up for me.

I am done being the good girl, the girl that doesn’t speak up, the girl that gives everything up for others.

I am embracing the dragon. The inner woman who is full of rage. I am embracing her. I am standing up for myself. I am going to be me.

I call myself a witch; if you don’t like it, that isn’t my problem.

I want to be covered in tattoos; if you don’t like it, that isn’t my problem.

I want to read dark fantasy; if you don’t like it, that isn’t my problem.

I don’t want to talk to you; if you don’t like, that isn’t my problem.

I have done a lot in my life, lived a lot of different lives. I am proud of some of things I have achieved. Yet I don’t really celebrate myself because I don’t want to make a fuss. Definitely something I picked up from my mother. Something I am really working to get passed.

If there is no one else to celebrate me or stand up for me, then I will do it for myself.

If I want to travel, I will. If I don’t want a 9 to 5, then I won’t. If I don’t want to get married, then I won’t. I am too old to have my own children now, so I won’t have that. I am not how society expects me to be. I will not be what society expects me to be.

I am finally at the point in my life and my recovery that I will no longer accept anything less than what makes me, me. If you don’t like it, then don’t watch me. I don’t care if you don’t like me. I will not put up with your shit.

So, I am embracing the dragon, I am embracing my anger, I am embracing my shadow self. I am embracing my inner witch. I am embracing my dark side. I will listen to Hekate as she guides me through the choices I make.

Embrace the dragon.