Looking for Mr Romantic Lead

So, I am looking for my MMC. I am 46 years old, I have never been married and I have no children. I have spent most of my life travelling and enjoying my life. I never really wanted to settle down. I wanted to live without having the ask someone else if it was okay. Along the way I also never really looked hard for someone who truly wanted me.

I have dated on and off and usually ended up with the guy who broke me and hurt me beyond my understanding. I tend to attract walking red flags and immature men looking for someone to take care of all their needs and do everything they want. As an adopted child I thought that would mean they would choose me and love. Giving up everything I was to be what they wanted.

I am an empath, that tends to be what happens. I had no set boundaries, and I was okay being walked all over if it meant someone would choose me.

This means that I haven’t had the chance to meet the right person. But I have to admit I probably didn’t really know what I really wanted in a romantic partner.

Trauma has meant that my ability to find the right person is off. It meant that I kept choosing the wrong person. There was a time I thought I found my person, but it didn’t work. I look back now and realise he wasn’t the right one. And that is okay. Every relationship I have had has taught me something. Something about myself and something about what I really want in a relationship.

I have tried various dating apps, but I have to say that it doesn’t feel right for me. It doesn’t feel authentic. It is easy to say one thing online and over text than it is to be real. All I have ever asked for is honesty and communication. But I don’t find that possible online. Though it seems that is how people want to meet. Turns out that isn’t me, I want to meet someone in the real world. I want a meet cute, and authentic meeting of minds. I want deep emotional connection. Not the superficiality that comes with the online dating life.

Sitting down and writing down my thoughts and feelings was the first step. Trying to get clear on everything. But that is still a work in progress.

What do I want?

I want to be chosen. I want someone who will choose me every time.

I want someone that will protect me. Not that I need someone to fight the world for me. But will hold my hand and stand by myside. Will pull me in for a hug and tuck me under his chin and kiss my forehead.

I want deep connection. I am a Scorpio. I love deep conversation; I love going deep and getting to truly know someone. I am always working on myself to grow and get to know myself better and I want a partner who wants that as well.

I want someone to grow with. Someone to share my life with. Someone who has the same values and ideals as mine. Someone who loves me for me and doesn’t want me to change or be someone else. I am who I am. I love to learn, I always will. I mean I am probably going to go on and do a phd.

I want someone to support my goals and someone whose goals I want to support as well.

Internet dating hasn’t really worked, so I am trying something weird by putting myself on social media as single and wait to see what happens. It’s weird, and a bit out there, but I am weird and a bit out there. I don’t necessarily do the norm. I just want to be me. And someone to accept that.

How else do I meet someone? Well, the funny thing in all this is that I am shy and a bit stand offish. Again, I am a Scorpio, I can be hard to get to know. It is part of my defence mechanism. But for the right person I will drop those walls.

That leaves the real world. The hardest place of all. It scares me to put myself out there. I have been hurt a lot in my life. I have been rejected and disregarded by many who I thought I could trust. It’s hard to let people in after that.

I know I need to open myself up. I do show myself somewhat on my socials, but I don’t show everything there. To do that in the real world takes a lot of courage. I have done a lot of work on myself to process my trauma and understand how it has affected me. How it affects the decisions I make and how I portray myself.

So, I want to make better choices. I want to meet someone. I want to let someone in. I want to meet my person. It’s time for me to find my MMC.