May 26 is my two-year soberversary. It feels like a long time, but it has gone really fast. I have to say the first year was the hardest. This second year has still been a struggle. The need to have a drink is still there. It’s not an everyday battle, but it is there in the back of my mind.
The hardest thing for me was finally feeling the emotions, anxiety and my trauma. The alcohol numbed it all. I hated feeling anything. I have always struggled with my emotions, my whole life. I have always been quick to cry and then turn in on myself. This became more prolific when I stopped drinking.
The chances of me relapsing is 70%. I have read it can be as high as 90% as well. It is not the easiest thing to read. Though the longer I can stay sober, the longer I will stay sober. The closer I get to my two years the harder the struggle at the moment. Some days it is a huge battle; it is most likely what has contributed to my weight gain and my type 2 diagnosis.
As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel room drinking sparkling water, eating pizza to stop myself from drinking a glass of wine. The temptation is real. There is always temptation. I have to keep non-alcoholic drinks in my fridge to distract myself.
Change isn’t easy, it is uncomfortable. It is one of the reasons for the difficulty in getting sober. I didn’t get this far by myself. I had the support of my doctor, my psychologist, my family and my friends. It meant daily medications to help. This meant going to my chemist twice a day to take the medication in front of him. I did that for a few months. Then slowly my doctor trusted me enough to go once a day, then once a week. Then reducing the amount of medication. It was almost a year on medication and weekly sessions with my psychologist. It was that or going to rehab.
This was also on top of treating PTSD, depression and anxiety. It was just an added bonus. But giving up alcohol meant that I took up eating, including sugary treats. This meant to weight gain an inability to lose the weight. Which has now led to a type 2 diabetes diagnosis. Which has come on quite quickly and more medications. I hate taking pills, but sometimes it is necessary. My body is pretty messed up between the alcoholism, the food and the depression and trauma.
The better I get the more I understand about what PTSD can do and that it led to my alcoholism. PTSD is like a brain injury. My brain no longer functions the way it used to. But at least I am not adding alcohol into the process anymore. Alcohol added fire to my triggers. Then I drank to try to control the triggers. It was numbing the problem for years.
Alcohol, like my depression, can mean relapses. I have times when my depression hits me hard. It then triggers my need for alcohol. Then I have to work harder in my depressive state to choose healthier options. My current favourite is sparkling water.
The relaxation and numbing feeling was why I drank. My job was not an easy one. I was on call along with my long shifts. I didn’t sleep well for years. On my days off, the alcohol could get me to sleep. Not as good as healthy sleep, but it was sleep. I only ever drank on my days off. It was a time when I told myself I was in control. But towards the end of working, I would ensure I had alcohol in the house for as soon as I finished my working week.
When I stopped working completely, I was drinking every day. I tried some other things to help numb everything. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was a time in my life that I didn’t care. By the end I was drinking two bottles of wine every day. Which isn’t a lot for some people, but I had doubled my intake in the space of a few months. The third time I passed out in the shower I knew it was time to stop.
The next couple of months were the hardest and most frustrating of my life. I had a couple of great people to support me. But I have never been good at asking for help from anyone. It was a really difficult time, it took a while, but I finally got to a good space, and I wasn’t so desperate for alcohol. I got to a point that I could go to dinner with friends without temptation.
I will always feel like this. I will have good and bad days. There are days that I am fighting with myself to not drink. I don’t expect the people around me to not drink. I don’t need to only go places where alcohol isn’t available. I have a greater control over it.
Now two years in. I am so proud of myself. I can’t believe that I have actually got this far. I hope that I can keep this up and stay sober because I know how much better I am for it.