The End of a Dream

Last week I found out that a dream I have had for a few years will not be happening. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to have a biological child of my own. Unfortunately I was already forty when I decided I wanted a child. So I knew the road would be difficult.

For starters I didn’t have a partner, so that meant going through IVF. An expensive, emotional and difficult journey. But I had the money and I had a lot of support from family and friends.

At the time I thought I had a good job and that I was ready to have a child. There were a lot of blood tests and scans. Then came the hormone injections and medications to improve my chances. Including surgery to retrieve the eggs my body produced.

Each step of the way I was so excited. One step closer to becoming a mother. I knew at my age it would be difficult, but I was so positive I would be the one who would succeed. Then my first embryo transfer took and I was pregnant. I was so excited. I told everyone and started thinking about furniture and things I might need with a baby.

Two weeks later though a scan showed that the fetus was not viable. I had three options. Take some medication to help it pass, allow it to pass naturally or have a surgical procedure to remove. I chose the later as I didn’t want to wait.

It was the worst thing I have ever been through. I woke up bawling. I was so distraught to have lost this precious child. I was told later that it was a boy. I hadn’t meant to, but I gave him the name Alexander, which if he had been born would have been his name.

But I still had another embryo to try. So without giving myself enough time to grieve, I went back to work and tried the next embryo. It failed.

A couple of months later I had another egg retrieval and got two embryos. The first did not work. At this time I was struggling at work. I realise now that I was displaying signs of depression, anxiety and PTSD. I decided to take a break and wait for things to settle down and get to a better place. That didn’t happen. Six weeks later I went off work under workers compensation due to my PTSD and I have not returned to work.

In the last couple of months I finally felt like I was in a much better place. However, I am now 45. But again, I felt like it was the right time, that the universe was with me. So I got my body ready, saw the doctor and tried my last embryo. I felt so positive, so at peace.

Then the devastating news. I was not pregnant, It hadn’t worked. I was so emotional, so distraught. I didn’t leave the house for a couple of days. I just ate and slept. I mourned the loss of the life I thought I was going to have with my child. The grief was overwhelming at first, but it slowly eased.

Now I feel a little lost as to my next journey. I still want so much to be a mother, but I know that I will not have my own biological child. It is a dream that I am finding difficult to give up.

Now is the time to process, pray to the goddess and wait for my new path to appear.