Remember

The realisation hits that I can feel again.

After years of numbing everything.

Pushing it down, pushing it away.

Something changed.

I stand amongst others to watch what happens.

I put up a front,

Of wearing a mask for the people around me.

So, why does the idea that I might be feeling something,

For the first time I can remember scare the shit out of me.

I’ve told very few people I love them

In response to them saying it or because it is the right thing to do.

Not knowing if I felt that way.

Not wanting to feel that way.

Was it the pain and trauma that stopped me from feeling,

To feel is a joy and a crippling angst at the same time.

I don’t want to feel, to let anyone see.

To leet anyone see the façade behind the mask.

To see the loss and death would scare everyone away.

To feel one thing is to feel everything.

You see what I show you,

And you see what you want to see.

But no one sees the real me. Only I remember.

So, no more feelings remembered.

A blank state again to stare back at the world,

That chewed me up and spat me back out in a state less than stable.

Never remember.