My PTSD Journey

This weekend I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my journey. PTSD has really kicked my ass and it isn’t done. Since this happened I’ve developed IBS, ridiculous anxiety and panic attacks. This along with bouts of vertigo and more headaches. Sometimes the days are so dark I can’t get out of bed. Other days I am up, functioning and feel great. But it has also made me take a really good look at who I am and what I truly want in my life. It has also taught me how to speak up for myself as well as take care of myself better. I also need to remember that my brain is so messed up. I am not the same person I was. I no longer function like I once did. Learning to adapt has been harder than I expected. But I will live my life my way!

My brain with PTSD looks like a chaotic, broken piano. A piano that has had all of its wires cut and the keys are all over the floor. The melody and the harmony are gone. I have been putting the keys back, but they are like a jigsaw puzzle. The right one needs to go in the right spot. Then I need to fix the wires. I get the first five fixed. I step back and feel like I’ve accomplished something. Then the first two wires snap again and a couple of keys fall out. So I fix them again. But two more wires break. So then I start racing to fix everything as fast as I can. That just makes it worse and wires start snapping again and more keys fall out of place. I try again, moving a bit slower. The wires cuts my fingers and I have to step away and let them heal before I can start again. It is a much slower process. But it is progress. The piano may never play the way it once did. Or release a melody or harmony quite as sweet. But it is still a piano, it’s still plays and it still plays a beautiful tune.

What I have learnt is that there are parts of my personality that has come from trauma. Trauma throughout my whole life.
- constantly apologising
- Over explaining
- Hyper independence
- Low self-esteem, never feeling good enough
- Hyper vigilance of the emotions of people around me
- Anxiety and the tendency to avoid conflict
- Dysregulation of my nervous system
- Self medicating to avoid feeling
- Chronic over thinking and over analyzing
- Constant people pleaser
These are all things that have presented in the last couple of years and I have gained an understanding as to why I do the things I do, react the way I do and act certain ways. The hardest part is rewiring these to change my reactions. Not as easy as it sounds, but I am so much better than I once was. Maybe all this is what I needed to heal my traumas and get to the best version of myself.

I hide a lot from the people in my life. I don’t want to burden the people I care about. This comes from enormous guilt and shame. I hate feeling like I’ve let people down. And that is how I feel. I feel like I have let down my colleagues, my family, and the universe itself.
My depression and anxiety have increased tenfold which leads to some really dark days.
It is easy to dismiss the symptoms of ptsd. They are not necessarily physical symptoms. Explaining how you feel to someone isn’t always accepted. It’s why it can be easier to step away from people than try to explain yourself.
Even though I look okay, that might not be how I’m feeling underneath.
There is no timing for healing ptsd. It is something I will live with. It’s something that has changed me.

‘If you were to ask about the pain, I would lie. I would lie, to fix my mind. I need time.’

Sometimes forgiving someone isn’t about them, it is about yourself and moving on.
Taking care of myself so that I have the ability to be amongst my friends and be there when they need me.
Learning to recognise signs of the triggered me.
Learning to recognise my triggers and how better to approach them.
Learning to speak up for myself and ask the universe for what I want.
Finding my true self and embracing it.
Learning to slow down.
Learning how important healing is. Learning that healing is a slow journey.
Getting healthy in mind, body and spirt. Healing is a wholistic.
Stepping back is okay. Stepping away is okay. Hiding is okay.
Sometimes you just need to stop, breathe and realise just how far you have come.
Sometimes healing is telling people what you need from them not just accepting their behavior to you.
It means healing physically and mentally. It means patience and time.